Two and a Half Men
Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men (2003)

7.412 seasonsComedy

A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.

📺 Seasons & Episodes

Specials41 episodes
Original Pilot - Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal

1. Original Pilot - Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal

In the original filming of the pilot Blythe Danner played Evelyn Harper, but due to her schedule she decided to drop out of the show and was later replaced by Holland Taylor.

Jake's A Regular Kid

2. Jake's A Regular Kid

No description available.

Jennifer Taylor on Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer Marriage Problems

3. Jennifer Taylor on Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer Marriage Problems

No description available.

Jon Cryer wins an Emmy for Two and a Half Men at the 2009 Primetime Emmy Awards

4. Jon Cryer wins an Emmy for Two and a Half Men at the 2009 Primetime Emmy Awards

No description available.

Behind the Scenes

5. Behind the Scenes

No description available.

Finding Angus

6. Finding Angus

No description available.

Getting Charlie Sheen

7. Getting Charlie Sheen

No description available.

Jennifer Taylor

8. Jennifer Taylor

No description available.

Jon's Advice to Charlie

9. Jon's Advice to Charlie

No description available.

Mama's Boys

10. Mama's Boys

No description available.

Marin Hinkle

11. Marin Hinkle

No description available.

Two and a Half Men and CSI - Behind the Scenes Cross Over

12. Two and a Half Men and CSI - Behind the Scenes Cross Over

No description available.

Two and a Half Men and CSI - Behind the Scenes Cross Over 2

13. Two and a Half Men and CSI - Behind the Scenes Cross Over 2

No description available.

Bloopers Season 01

14. Bloopers Season 01

No description available.

Bloopers Season 02

15. Bloopers Season 02

No description available.

Bloopers Season 03

16. Bloopers Season 03

No description available.

Bloopers Season 04

17. Bloopers Season 04

No description available.

Bloopers Season 05

18. Bloopers Season 05

No description available.

Bloopers Season 06

19. Bloopers Season 06

No description available.

Bloopers Season 07

20. Bloopers Season 07

No description available.

Bloopers Season 08

21. Bloopers Season 08

No description available.

Bloopers Season 09

22. Bloopers Season 09

No description available.

Bloopers Season 10

23. Bloopers Season 10

No description available.

Bloopers Season 11

24. Bloopers Season 11

No description available.

Bloopers Season 12

25. Bloopers Season 12

No description available.

Two and a Half Men - In the Beginning

26. Two and a Half Men - In the Beginning

Making of the pilot with series creator Chuck Lorre and the main casts.

Two Men Talking About Two and a Half Men

27. Two Men Talking About Two and a Half Men

14 min

Series creators Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn swap stories about Season 4.

The 100th episode of Two and a Half Men

28. The 100th episode of Two and a Half Men

No description available.

"Must Pause TV" - The story of Chuck Lorre

29. "Must Pause TV" - The story of Chuck Lorre

The creation and development of his vanity cards at the end of each episode.

Two and a Half Men: Dying Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard

30. Two and a Half Men: Dying Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard

Chronicle of the crossover episode of the writing teams of Two and a Half Men and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

CSI-Episode: Two and a Half Deaths

31. CSI-Episode: Two and a Half Deaths

Script: Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn

Growing up Harper

32. Growing up Harper

This is how Jake Harper and the talented young actor who portrays him change: Angus T. Jones

The Women of Two and a Half Men

33. The Women of Two and a Half Men

Let's let the women have their say

Charlie's EX Reunion

34. Charlie's EX Reunion

Charlie's beautiful ex-girlfriends blaspheme about their charm, his clothes and his future.

Two and a Half Men Version 2.0

35. Two and a Half Men Version 2.0

Creator and executive producer Chuck Lorre and the actors reveal the real story behind the changes to the show.

The Billionaire Upgrade: How Walden Schmidt redesigned the house in Malibu

36. The Billionaire Upgrade: How Walden Schmidt redesigned the house in Malibu

The show's actors and design team provide a behind-the-scenes look at the redesigned beach house.

Two Manly Men - Singing and Dancing

37. Two Manly Men - Singing and Dancing

Behind the scenes with Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer during the production of the very first musical number in the series.

Backstage Tour with Angus T. Jones

38. Backstage Tour with Angus T. Jones

8 min

No description available.

Two Adults, One Kid, No Grown-ups

39. Two Adults, One Kid, No Grown-ups

28 min

No description available.

The Serious Business of Writing Comedy

40. The Serious Business of Writing Comedy

11 min

No description available.

A Day in the Life of Two and a Half Men

41. A Day in the Life of Two and a Half Men

16 min

No description available.

Season 124 episodes
Pilot

1. Pilot

23 min

Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.

Big Flappy Bastards

2. Big Flappy Bastards

21 min

Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

3. Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

21 min

Jake wants to go home to his mom after he gets sick, prompting Alan to think he's a failure as a husband and now as a father.

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

4. If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

21 min

Charlie can't function when his housekeeper storms off because of Alan's constant complaints, so Alan tries desperately to woo her back. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie for dating advice.

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

5. The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

19 min

Alan and Charlie have encounters with some highly libidinous soccer moms, but with two very different outcomes.

Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

6. Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

21 min

The guys go to Evelyn's house to meet the new man she's dating, and Charlie realizes the man's daughter is a woman he's trying to avoid.

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

7. If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

21 min

Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends.

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

8. Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

19 min

Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.

Phase One, Complete

9. Phase One, Complete

21 min

Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.

Merry Thanksgiving

10. Merry Thanksgiving

21 min

Realizing he's losing someone special, Charlie plans a Thanksgiving dinner to convince her he's a family guy and that she should be with him.

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

11. Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

20 min

When Alan is surprised to see that Judith has had a makeover and is dating a man, he decides to have Charlie help him transform his image.

Camel Filters and Pheromones

12. Camel Filters and Pheromones

21 min

Berta's granddaughter spends the day at Charlie's, which isn't a problem until he learns she's a beautiful, rebellious 16-year-old.

Sarah Like Puny Alan

13. Sarah Like Puny Alan

20 min

Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.

I Can't Afford Hyenas

14. I Can't Afford Hyenas

21 min

Charlie's financial manager informs the carefree jingle writer that he spends money faster than his royalty checks come in, and now he must go on a budget.

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

15. Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

21 min

Charlie invites a mysterious, slightly crazed woman to stay at the house until she can settle some family problems.

That Was Saliva, Alan

16. That Was Saliva, Alan

21 min

Charlie is perplexed when Frankie, the mysterious woman temporarily living in the Harper household, begins falling for Alan and not him.

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

17. Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

20 min

Charlie's still brooding over Alan's choice of their cousin as Jake's guardian if both parents die when the boy has an accident while in his care and has to be rushed to the hospital.

An Old Flame with a New Wick

18. An Old Flame with a New Wick

21 min

Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man.

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

19. I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

19 min

Judith's devious siren sister stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own.

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

20. Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

21 min

Jake's sullen mood baffles and bothers the family and prompts Alan and Judith to take him to a child psychologist.

No Sniffing, No Wowing

21. No Sniffing, No Wowing

21 min

Charlie plays a tricky game when he gets involved with Alan's divorce lawyer, who could make things difficult for Alan if she were, say, dumped by a self-centered lothario.

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

22. My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

21 min

When Charlie discovers that Alan is sleepwalking, he believes it's related to his brother's lack of sex following his divorce, and comes up with a cure.

Just Like Buffalo

23. Just Like Buffalo

21 min

When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.

Can You Feel My Finger?

24. Can You Feel My Finger?

21 min

Charlie has a pregnancy scare involving one of his one-night stands and decides to go for the big "V," and we're not talking Vegas.

Season 224 episodes
Back Off, Mary Poppins

1. Back Off, Mary Poppins

30 min

Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

2. Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

30 min

Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician, and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.

A Bag Full of Jawea

3. A Bag Full of Jawea

30 min

Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his several attempts fail every time.

Go Get Mommy's Bra

4. Go Get Mommy's Bra

21 min

Jake is very impressed and can't stop talking about his mother's new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick, which annoys Alan. While Evelyn borrows Charlie's car to help her impress a Saudi prince, because she wants to sell him real estate. When Charlie gets his car back, he discovers his mother's bra in the backseat. When he finds out why it's there he decides to trade in his car.

Bad News from the Clinic?

5. Bad News from the Clinic?

21 min

Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who's better at playing hard to get than he is.

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

6. The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

21 min

Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

7. A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

21 min

Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

8. Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

21 min

Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.

Yes, Monsignor

9. Yes, Monsignor

22 min

When Charlie leaves the house to avoid a date that he can't stand, he ends up at a coffee shop, where he meets his old girlfriend Lisa. He finds out that she broke up with her husband, and now has a child. Now he must try to convince Lisa that he's okay with her having a child. While Jake tries to justify to his father why he isn't doing so well in school.

The Salmon Under My Sweater

10. The Salmon Under My Sweater

21 min

Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out more about Rose (including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

11. Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

21 min

After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.

A Lungful of Alan

12. A Lungful of Alan

21 min

Alan is jealous of Charlie when an old classmate, who's now a beautiful woman, seems to be more interested in Charlie.

Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów (Get Off My Hair)

13. Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów (Get Off My Hair)

20 min

After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damaged and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission. Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well.

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

14. Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

21 min

The brothers throw out their mother, after she insults the way Alan is raising Jake. When Alan and Charlie ignore her phone calls, to get their attention she ends up in the hospital. When Alan and Charlie show up at the hospital they aren't sure if she's faking, and try to call her bluff.

Smell the Umbrella Stand

15. Smell the Umbrella Stand

21 min

Alan starts to worry about a medical procedure that he is facing, and to get his mind off it, Charlie suggests they go to Las Vegas.

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

16. Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

21 min

When Judith decides to take a vacation, the brothers have to take care of Jake during the week. Alan finds it challenging, and even forgets to pick up Jake from soccer practice. When Alan finds out that he has to go to the I.R.S. because they're auditing him, he forces Charlie to take care of Jake, and Charlie doesn't do any better then Alan.

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

17. Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

21 min

After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him. The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember. Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.

It Was 'Mame', Mom

18. It Was 'Mame', Mom

21 min

Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive named Eric, so Charlie asks Alan to pretend that he's his life partner. While at the party, Charlie meets Eric's ex-wife Pamela, and tries to sleep with her without Eric finding out.

A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

19. A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

21 min

After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out. The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

20. I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

21 min

Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings, when Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other.

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

21. A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

21 min

Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry has died. They all attend the funeral, including Jake who is excited at the opportunity of seeing a ""dead guy"". Charlie is excited by the opportunity of a newly single widow, and Alan is just happy to pay his respects to Harry.

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

22. That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

21 min

Evelyn buys Alan a new Sports car causing Charlie to claim that his brother has sold his soul to the Devil. The next day, Evelyn extracts payment by insisting that Alan go on a blind, double date with her, her new beau and his daughter. At the restaurant, Alan learns that his mother and boyfriend will not be able to join them because there was a mixup between his heart medication and Viagra and she didn't want to ""waste it"". As a result, Alan is left to deal with the daughter, who is on a weekend pass from a rehab center and still has some loose screws. Alan eventually gets her back to the beach house only to have her drive off in his new sports car and become the object of a televised high-speed car chase.

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

23. Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

20 min

Evelyn demands Jake spend a night at her place when she finds out he spent Spring Break with Judith's parents. Neither Alan nor Charlie are keen on the idea, but going to a bar after dropping off Jake quickly erases their concerns.

Does This Smell Funny to You?

24. Does This Smell Funny to You?

20 min

Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an older man's trophy wife while Jake has to read a paper to his class.

Season 324 episodes
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts

1. Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts

22 min

After falling off the roof, Alan needs Charlie's help in looking after Jake, which interferes with Charlie's social life.

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

2. Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

22 min

Jake gets suspended from school after drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class that has large breasts. Meanwhile, Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter.

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

3. Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

22 min

Alan has been dating a lot, and Charlie soon finds out that it has been one woman - his ex-wife, Judith. He tries to stop Alan, and even brings Rose, Evelyn and Berta to interfere - but Alan ignores them all.

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

4. Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

22 min

Berta causes tension between Charlie and Alan, when she temporarily moves in with them

We Called It Mr. Pinky

5. We Called It Mr. Pinky

21 min

Charlie learns he can't be in a long-lasting relationship, becuase of unresolved issues he has with his mother. Jake asks Charlie for advice about a girl at school.

Hi, Mr. Horned One

6. Hi, Mr. Horned One

21 min

Ignoring Alan's warnings, Charlie continues to date Isabella until she threatens to put a curse on his manhood.

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

7. Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

22 min

Charlie wakes up with Rose the morning after her birthday party. Her irate father comes to ask Charlie about what the future holds for him and Rose, but the unexpected happens when Evelyn shows up.

That Voodoo That I Do Do

8. That Voodoo That I Do Do

21 min

Charlie tricks Jake into taking ballet lessons, so he can get close to the teacher.

Madame and Her Special Friend

9. Madame and Her Special Friend

21 min

One of Charlie's elderly neighbors tries to seduce Alan, while Charlie tries to stop Jake from giving money to a televangelist.

Something Salted and Twisted

10. Something Salted and Twisted

22 min

Charlie helps Alan with his obsession of always having to get approval from the women in his life.

Santa's Village of the Damned

11. Santa's Village of the Damned

22 min

Alan starts dating a woman with a Martha Stewart complex. Before long she's running the house with an obsession for perfection.

That Special Tug

12. That Special Tug

22 min

Charlie sees a therapist to learn how to deal with Alan's emotional insecurities.

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

13. Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

22 min

Charlie finds himself in a relationship that is not based on sex.

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

14. Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

22 min

Charlie arranges a romantic date with Mia in the hopes of consummating their relationship. Alan begins to date Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.

My Tongue Is Meat

15. My Tongue Is Meat

22 min

Charlie has trouble keeping up with Mia's healthy lifestyle, so he begins to sneak beers, cigars, and burgers behind her back. When Mia finds out what he was doing, Charlie has to decide if he is truly in love with her or just whipped.

Ergo, the Booty Call

16. Ergo, the Booty Call

22 min

Alan has trouble deciding if he should bring his younger girlfriend to Jake's birthday party to meet his mom and his ex-wife. Rose tries to get her boyfriend to act more like Charlie.

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

17. The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

21 min

Charlie is nominated for an advertising award, but he decides to boycott it because his arch nemesis always wins. The rest of his family tries to trick him into going. Rose is having relationship problems with Gordon and seeks help from Charlie.

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

18. The Spit-Covered Cobbler

21 min

Alan starts to have financial problems when he starts paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tries to get him to break up with her. Meanwhile, Judith is after Alan because he is late in paying his alimony check.

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

19. Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

22 min

Charlie is surprised to find out that Kandi has been living with them for the last three weeks. Alan is having a tough time helping Kandi earn a living. Charlie has lost his sense because of the dry-spell he is going through.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

20. Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

21 min

Alan tries to win Kandi back. Meanwhile, Charlie starts to sleep with her mom, Mandi, and Judith gets set up with her father, Andy.

And the Plot Moistens

21. And the Plot Moistens

21 min

Jake’s teacher has a meeting with Alan and Judith to discuss the lack of interest Jake has at school. Alan starts to fall for Francine, in a platonic way, because he is tired of the lack of intelligent communication he has with Kandi. Charlie helps Jake audition for his school musical.

Just Once with Aunt Sophie

22. Just Once with Aunt Sophie

22 min

A girl from Jake’s school invites him to his first boy-girl party. Charlie and Alan help him get ready for it by giving him advice. Alan and Charlie get nostalgic and remember their first boy-girl party.

Arguments for the Quickie

23. Arguments for the Quickie

22 min

Mia comes back to town with her dance troupe and invites Charlie to her performance. At first, he decides not to go and tries to convince Alan that he no longer has feelings for her. He goes to the see the performance and Mia explains that she wants some of Charlie’s sperm. Charlie responds by asking Mia for something.

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

24. That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

21 min

Charlie and Mia start making their wedding arrangements. Things begin to fall apart when their two families meet each other. They eventually decide on a small ceremony in Las Vegas.

Season 424 episodes
Working for Caligula

1. Working for Caligula

22 min

Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle after Alan moves out of the house. Alan suffers a breakdown after his divorce from Kandi.

Who Is This Vod Kanockers?

2. Who Is This Vod Kanockers?

22 min

Charlie finally tells Alan that he didn't marry Mia because she wanted Alan and Jake to move out of the house, but Alan finds a hole in his logic. Charlie and Alan deal with a noisy neighbor who constantly sings all the time, who happens to be Steven Tyler.

The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

3. The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

21 min

Charlie tries to surf to impress Dottie, a beautiful woman he just met, but after he nearly drowns he is convinced that he saw his late father.

A Pot-Smokin' Monkey

4. A Pot-Smokin' Monkey

21 min

Alan tries to hire his ex-wife's lawyer to help him win custody over the dog he and Kandi shared.

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

5. A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

21 min

Alan is overjoyed by the prospect of Judith remarrying, as he would no longer have to pay alimony. Alan gets Charlie to help him when it looks like the marriage maybe derailed due to Jake’s dislike of his mother’s fiancé.

Apologies for the Frivolity

6. Apologies for the Frivolity

20 min

Charlie is dating a woman whose personality and life are like his mother’s.

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

7. Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

21 min

Berta's daughter, Naomi is pregnant and Berta drags Charlie with her when she confronts the baby’s father. Alan reveals a secret fetish.

Release the Dogs

8. Release the Dogs

22 min

Alan suffers from insomnia. He visits his psychiatrist, who reveals that the cause of Alan's sleepless nights is his jealousy towards Charlie, and his inability to glide through life.

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

9. Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

21 min

Charlie gets tired of Alan's mooching and reaches the breaking point during the brothers' double date. Jake is left home alone for the first time.

Kissing Abe Lincoln

10. Kissing Abe Lincoln

21 min

Worrying Charlie may get rid of one of them, Berta and Lydia fight over him. Meanwhile, Kandi does everything she can to stop Alan from selling their condo.

Walnuts and Demerol

11. Walnuts and Demerol

21 min

Charlie's friends and family put a crimp in his plan for a romantic Christmas Eve date. When Evelyn sees who the date is, she goes to great lengths to force a wedge between them.

Castrating Sheep in Montana

12. Castrating Sheep in Montana

21 min

Berta discovers that Alan has been dating her daughter Naomi.

Don't Worry, Speed Racer

13. Don't Worry, Speed Racer

21 min

Jake shares that he has heard his mother having sex with her fiancée, Herb; this revelation brings up a repressed memory for Charlie. This leads Charlie to seek help from Rose.

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

14. That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

22 min

Charlie sets Alan up with their new neighbour. But he gets jealous when the two form a bond.

My Damn Stalker

15. My Damn Stalker

22 min

Rose is moving to London, and Charlie is surprised by his reaction to the news. Alan lies to a woman he met online.

Young People Have Phlegm Too

16. Young People Have Phlegm Too

21 min

Charlie's young, hot girlfriend takes him to a new club. She invites Alan to meet one of her friends but the men are shocked to learn that they are considered as being "old".

I Merely Slept with a Commie

17. I Merely Slept with a Commie

22 min

After Evelyn tells Alan and Charlie how she feels about there being no mourners at her friend’s funeral, the boys share their feelings that this could also be the case at her funeral. Evelyn tries to prove them wrong by introducing them to a couple she help adopt a boy from China. The boys return fire by inviting the young man to a play date with Jake.

It Never Rains in Hooterville

18. It Never Rains in Hooterville

21 min

Alan tries to bond with Jake when he realizes that his childhood is almost over. Kandi pursues a career in acting.

Smooth as a Ken Doll

19. Smooth as a Ken Doll

21 min

Charlie takes a liking to Myra, the witty sister of Judith's fiancé, Herb.

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

20. Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

21 min

Alan looks forward to Judith's wedding, while Charlie and Myra continue their romance.

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

21. Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

22 min

Alan and Charlie re-examine their sexual identities after Alan befriends Greg, a gay man. Meanwhile, Jake has a crush on Greg's daughter.

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

22. Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

22 min

Jake gets lucky after Charlie takes him to the racetrack. Meanwhile, Alan has a difficult time at the DMV.

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

23. Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

21 min

Charlie is shocked when the handyman working on his house beats him out for Chloe's affections. Alan has no sympathy for Charlie’s distress.

Prostitutes and Gelato

24. Prostitutes and Gelato

20 min

Evelyn's boyfriend, Teddy, invites Alan and Charlie to go with him to Las Vegas on his private jet. The boys confront their individual 'daddy issues'

Season 519 episodes
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

1. Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

20 min

Jake is getting ready to start a new school as he graduates to Junior High. Alan and Charlie take him school shopping and find themselves in trouble.

Media Room Slash Dungeon

2. Media Room Slash Dungeon

22 min

Charlie acts strange after spending an evening with his mother, and a woman Alan slept with behaves oddly the next morning.

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

3. Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

21 min

Alan convinces Charlie that he needs to date more respectable women and sets him up with a judge. The two double date and their waitress happens to be one of Charlie’s ex-girlfriends. Charlie's date backfires the following morning, when he ends up in court in front of the judge.

City of Great Racks

4. City of Great Racks

22 min

Charlie and Linda get closer to consummating their relationship, but Charlie has trouble focusing when he begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

5. Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

22 min

Charlie has to come up with ways to keep his girlfriend's 4-year-old amused; Alan becomes a test subject.

Help Daddy Find His Toenail

6. Help Daddy Find His Toenail

21 min

Charlie's girlfriend is embrassed to go out in public with him. Meanwhile, Jake sneaks out to attend a concert.

The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room

7. The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room

20 min

After Alan and Charlie have a fight about Alan's role in the house. Alan packs Jake up and moves in with his mother.

Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

8. Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

20 min

Charlie writes a children’s song and finds success as Charlie Waffles. The children love him and the mothers seem to as well. Charlie's new found fame irritates Alan.

Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids

9. Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids

20 min

Charlie fights his attraction for Teddy's daughter.

Kinda Like Necrophilia

10. Kinda Like Necrophilia

22 min

Alan finds out that Charlie stole his girlfriend and works on a plan to get back at Charlie, even though this happened when they were in high school.

Meander to Your Dander

11. Meander to Your Dander

22 min

When Alan finds himself wanting to break up with a woman, Charlie offers his expertise.

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

12. A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

22 min

Rose returns from England, and plays nurse rather oddly for an ill Charlie.

The Soil Is Moist

13. The Soil Is Moist

20 min

Alan finds out some surprising information about Judith's sex life when he decides to go on a date with one of her friends.

Winky-Dink Time

14. Winky-Dink Time

22 min

Charlie double-dates with Jake and fixes Alan up with a hooker.

Rough Night in Hump Junction

15. Rough Night in Hump Junction

21 min

Alan feels Charlie is unable to control his womanizing ways.

Look At Me Mommy, I'm Pretty

16. Look At Me Mommy, I'm Pretty

22 min

Alan makes wedding plans for Evelyn and Teddy, while Charlie figures out how to get more acquainted with his future step-sister.

Fish in a Drawer

17. Fish in a Drawer

21 min

CSIs investigate a death at Charlie's house.

If My Hole Could Talk

18. If My Hole Could Talk

21 min

Charlie's attracted to an older self-help author. Alan and Jake clash over a project for school.

Waiting for the Right Snapper

19. Waiting for the Right Snapper

22 min

When Charlie meets Angie's soon to be daughter-in-law, he realizes it's not for the first time.

Season 624 episodes
Taterhead Is Our Love Child

1. Taterhead Is Our Love Child

22 min

In the 6th season opener, Charlie runs into an ex-girlfriend and a child who bears a striking resemblance to Charlie.

Pie Hole, Herb

2. Pie Hole, Herb

22 min

Charlie borrowed money from Alan and on the day he is supposed to pay him back, Alan goes to ask Charlie for the money. He again finds Charlie in bed with a beautiful woman. After Charlie shoos him out and assures him he'll get the money for him later that day, the woman asks if Charlie is really out of cash and Charlie tells her not to worry, that he has plenty of hooker money.

Damn You, Eggs Benedict

3. Damn You, Eggs Benedict

22 min

Alan, Jake, and Charlie all decide to try new things: Alan is dating more than one woman, Charlie learns to cook, and Jake experiments with beer.

The Flavin' and the Mavin'

4. The Flavin' and the Mavin'

21 min

Alan is sure that things will turn bad when Charlie starts dating his receptionist.

A Jock Strap in Hell

5. A Jock Strap in Hell

22 min

Charlie tries to help Jake's former teacher, who became a stripper after dating him, but things go from bad to worse when she has a religious conversion.

It's Always Nazi Week

6. It's Always Nazi Week

22 min

When Judith kicks Herb to the curb, Alan comes knocking; Jake is sent to stay with a less-than-willing Charlie for three months during Judith's meltdown.

Best H.O. Money Can Buy

7. Best H.O. Money Can Buy

22 min

Alan tries to escape Judith's grasp as Charlie and Herb go on the prowl to pick up women. They later end up going back to Herb's hotel room with two prostitutes, where Herb declares his love for Judith and races over to win her back.

Pinocchio's Mouth

8. Pinocchio's Mouth

22 min

Charlie's new girlfriend Chelsea asks him to spend the night at her place, which puts Charlie well outside of his comfort zone, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake initiated by Judith for mooning a group of girls.

The Mooch at the Boo

9. The Mooch at the Boo

22 min

Charlie finds himself in an uncomfortable position when Jake takes off with the daughter of a former NFL player. Charlie's Mercedes proves a boon to Alan's love life.

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

10. He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

21 min

Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, and Alan becomes listless because he has no compelling reason to work anymore, while Jake discovers a hidden talent in the culinary arts that may allow him to bypass college altogether.

The Devil's Lube

11. The Devil's Lube

22 min

Charlie finds himself re-examining his wild ways when an old friend dies and begins to feel that his time on Earth may be drawing to a close.

Thank God for Scoliosis

12. Thank God for Scoliosis

20 min

Charlie and Jake fight for the affections of a waitress, while Alan fights sexual tension with his receptionist.

I Think You Offended Don

13. I Think You Offended Don

22 min

Judith is pregnant with a baby girl and Alan is convinced he is the father.

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

14. David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

21 min

Melissa doesn't think Alan's family appreciates him, so she asks him to move in with her and her mom.

I'd Like to Start with the Cat

15. I'd Like to Start with the Cat

21 min

Charlie ends up in couples counseling.

She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime

16. She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime

20 min

Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman from his bedroom before Chelsea arrives.

The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?

17. The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?

20 min

Charlie's admission that he's in love with Chelsea gets a surprising reaction from her

My Son's Enormous Head

18. My Son's Enormous Head

21 min

Chelsea's illness gives Charlie a chance to prove he can take care of her, but also yearning to run away from the situation.

The Two Finger Rule

19. The Two Finger Rule

20 min

After Chelsea discovers a nude picture of another woman on Charlie's cell phone, he blows off steam by going out for a night of drinking with Alan, Herb and his neighbor.

Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

20. Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

22 min

Charlie's desperate to make sure Chelsea and Evelyn don't befriend each other following their first meeting.

Above Exalted Cyclops

21. Above Exalted Cyclops

21 min

Chelsea is asked by Alan to arrange a blind date between he and her new friend, unaware that her new friend is Rose.

Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

22. Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

20 min

Charlie mourns the loss of his bachelor pad as he reluctantly allows Chelsea to move in. Meanwhile, Alan discovers there is no longer much space left in the house for him.

Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth

23. Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth

20 min

Alan and Chelsea become best buds, and Charlie decides to take advantage of the situation.

Baseball Was Better with Steroids

24. Baseball Was Better with Steroids

21 min

Charlie starts to question his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back in town. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan and Herb rush her to the hospital, on the sixth season finale.

Season 722 episodes
818-JKLPUZO

1. 818-JKLPUZO

21 min

Charlie must make a difficult decision about his future and with which woman he wants to spend his life: Chelsea or Mia.

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

2. Whipped Unto the Third Generation

20 min

When Chelsea convinces Charlie to let Alan's new girlfriend, Melissa, move in, the girls end up taking over Charlie's house.

Mmm, Fish. Yum.

3. Mmm, Fish. Yum.

19 min

Alan ends up playing maid to Judith's new baby as well as his former mother-in-law. Meanwhile, Jake uses an incriminating photo to blackmail Charlie.

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

4. Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

20 min

Alan starts working for Evelyn as Charlie works to fix the relationship between Chelsea and Jake.

For the Sake of the Child

5. For the Sake of the Child

21 min

Jake stops at nothing to get away from Charlie and Alan, after they embarrass him out in public.

Give Me Your Thumb

6. Give Me Your Thumb

20 min

Alan's advice to Chelsea that she get breast-reduction surgery is not met with enthusiasm by Charlie, who kicks him out, but staying with Evelyn has its own challenges.

Untainted by Filth

7. Untainted by Filth

22 min

Alan and Charlie are shocked when they wake up next to a strange woman, and try to find out what happened.

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

8. Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

20 min

While overcoming a bad break-up, Chelsea invites her beautiful college roommate to stay at the house.

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

9. Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

21 min

While Alan struggles to cure his baldness, Charlie deals with the problem that he can't satisfy Chelsea.

That's Why They Call It "Ball Room"

10. That's Why They Call It "Ball Room"

20 min

Chelsea wants Charlie to take dancing lessons for the wedding, when Charlie uncovers the truth that Chelsea has been lying about her finances.

Warning, It's Dirty

11. Warning, It's Dirty

19 min

Jake is taught the art of infidelity by Charlie, while Celeste is away for Christmas.

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

12. Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

22 min

Jake hopes to win back Celeste by writing her love songs. Alan and Herb hope to keep Judith from finding out they've become friends.

Yay, No Polyps!

13. Yay, No Polyps!

20 min

Charlie opts to have a colonoscopy in order to avoid going on a trip with Chelsea to see her parents. However, when he returns home, he finds her parents at his house.

Crude and Uncalled For

14. Crude and Uncalled For

21 min

Charlie suspects Chelsea likes the lawyer representing Alan after his arrest for a bar fight.

Aye, Aye, Captain Douche

15. Aye, Aye, Captain Douche

22 min

Chelsea and Charlie's relationship is at risk when Charlie's jealousy comes between them.

Tinkle Like a Princess

16. Tinkle Like a Princess

21 min

Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns with a new wife, but she's not Chelsea.

I Found Your Moustache

17. I Found Your Moustache

21 min

Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand.

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

18. Ixnay on the Oggie Day

21 min

Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient.

Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

19. Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

18 min

Alan is torn between the bad influence of Jake's new friend and the hotness of his mother.

I Called Him Magoo

20. I Called Him Magoo

21 min

Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend, while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience"

Gumby with a Pokey

21. Gumby with a Pokey

21 min

Charlie is visited by the ghosts of his ex-girlfriends while Alan and Jake are on a road trip.

This Is Not Gonna End Well

22. This Is Not Gonna End Well

21 min

Charlie is miffed over Alan's planned attendance of Chelsea's birthday party and suffers the indignity of having Jake chauffer him around following a license suspension.

Season 816 episodes
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

1. Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

21 min

When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

2. A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

21 min

Charlie is willing to do anything for Alan to accept Lyndsey's offer to move in with her.

A Pudding-Filled Cactus

3. A Pudding-Filled Cactus

21 min

After moving in with Lyndsey, Alan continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

4. Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

21 min

Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after their home burns down.

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

5. The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

21 min

Alan pretends to be Charlie when he goes out on the town; Charlie sneaks off for cosmetic surgery.

Twanging Your Magic Clanger

6. Twanging Your Magic Clanger

21 min

Charlie has difficulty dealing with dating a slightly older woman.

The Crazy Bitch Gazette

7. The Crazy Bitch Gazette

19 min

Charlie's girlfriend gets fed up with his stalker, Rose.

Springtime on a Stick

8. Springtime on a Stick

21 min

Charlie and Alan try to set up Evelyn with Russell the pharmacist.

A Good Time in Central Africa

9. A Good Time in Central Africa

21 min

When Berta takes a couple of days off, Charlie falls for her replacement. Meanwhile, Alan believes he's being stalked by Lyndsey's ex-husband.

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

10. Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

19 min

When Charlie's ex-girlfriend Courtney is released from prison, he treats her to the good life despite her having been in prison for conning him.

Dead from the Waist Down

11. Dead from the Waist Down

21 min

Alan goes to great lengths to be able to get Lyndsey a nice birthday present.

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

12. Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

21 min

Depressed after his breakup from Courtney (Jenny McCarthy), Charlie goes to see his psychiatrist (Jane Lynch).

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

13. Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

21 min

Alan feels paranoid when Lyndsey becomes friendly with Charlie.

Lookin' for Japanese Subs

14. Lookin' for Japanese Subs

21 min

Obsessed and believing her to be married, Charlie starts stalking Rose. Jake and Eldridge start taping themselves doing Jackass-style stunts.

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

15. Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

21 min

While Charlie and Rose carry on their "affair," Alan's chiropractic business turns into a Ponzi scheme.

That Darn Priest

16. That Darn Priest

19 min

Rose and Alan discover each other's secrets. Meanwhile, Charlie's desperate to get some time alone with Rose.

Season 924 episodes
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

1. Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

21 min

Alan and Jake meet Walden Schmidt, a broken-hearted billionaire.

People Who Love Peepholes

2. People Who Love Peepholes

21 min

Walden deals with his ex-wife, Bridget.

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

3. Big Girls Don't Throw Food

20 min

Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.

Nine Magic Fingers

4. Nine Magic Fingers

21 min

Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

5. A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

20 min

Alan has trouble accepting Lyndsey's seedy movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party.

The Squat and Hover

6. The Squat and Hover

21 min

Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

7. Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

19 min

Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor, who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.

Thank You for the Intercourse

8. Thank You for the Intercourse

21 min

When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional.

Frodo's Headshots

9. Frodo's Headshots

21 min

Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope.

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

10. A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

21 min

Walden hits it off with a British babe, but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.

What a Lovely Landing Strip

11. What a Lovely Landing Strip

20 min

Walden is trying his best to impress his new love interest when Bridget reappears in his life.

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

12. One False Move, Zimbabwe!

21 min

Walden's mother arrives and Alan is smitten with her, even as she reveals a secret about Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

13. Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

20 min

Walden’s ex-wife and mother try to take control of his company, so he turns to Alan for help.

A Possum on Chemo

14. A Possum on Chemo

20 min

Zoey tries to convince Walden to cut his hair and shave; Alan and Lyndsey revive their relationship.

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

15. The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

21 min

Walden tries to loosen Zooey up by sharing some of Berta's special brownies.

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

16. Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

20 min

Strained relationships and girl-fighting result when a huge storm traps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lyndsey in the house on Valentine's Day.

Not in My Mouth!

17. Not in My Mouth!

19 min

Walden and Zoey's relationship suffers after they share a near-death experience. Meanwhile, Alan wonders if Lyndsey has a drinking problem.

The War Against Gingivitis

18. The War Against Gingivitis

21 min

Walden's ex-business partner shows up at the beach house looking to make peace.

Palmdale, Ech

19. Palmdale, Ech

21 min

Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers. Jake and Eldridge get a ride from Walden to a party.

Grandma's Pie

20. Grandma's Pie

21 min

Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Alan and Lyndsey try to cope with their mom's relationship.

Mr. Hose Says "Yes"

21. Mr. Hose Says "Yes"

21 min

Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey

Why We Gave Up Women

22. Why We Gave Up Women

21 min

Charlie's ghost pays a visit to Alan after he suffers a minor heart attack.

The Straw in My Donut Hole

23. The Straw in My Donut Hole

21 min

Alan is showered with love and affection upon returning from the hospital, but Zoey isn’t so sure it’s deserved.

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

24. Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

21 min

Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future.

Season 1023 episodes
I Changed My Mind About the Milk

1. I Changed My Mind About the Milk

21 min

Walden plans a big surprise for Zoey's birthday.

A Big Bag of Dog

2. A Big Bag of Dog

20 min

Zoey and Walden break up, causing Walden to experience a breakdown.

Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

3. Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

21 min

Alan and Lyndsey decide to spice things up in the bedroom.

You Do Know What the Lollipop's For

4. You Do Know What the Lollipop's For

21 min

Walden starts to feel his age when a friend's daughter comes to town.

That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

5. That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

20 min

Despite Alan's warnings, Walden starts dating Rose.

Ferrets, Attack!

6. Ferrets, Attack!

20 min

Walden must choose between Zoey and Rose.

Avoid the Chinese Mustard

7. Avoid the Chinese Mustard

21 min

When Walden gets tired of the complications that come with a traditional relationship, he hires an actress to be his girlfriend; Jake plans a rendezvous with Missi (Miley Cyrus) at the beach house.

Something My Gynecologist Said

8. Something My Gynecologist Said

21 min

Alan feels reluctant to make a commitment to Lyndsey, but an unexpected source inspires him; Walden enjoys being the boy-toy of a wealthy older woman.

I Scream When I Pee

9. I Scream When I Pee

20 min

Alans famous ex-wife, Kandi, wants to reconcile; when Berta isn't interested in celebrating her birthday, Walden tries to make her day special.

One Nut Johnson

10. One Nut Johnson

21 min

Alan helps Walden create a new identity so he can avoid women who are only interested in his money.

Give Santa a Tail-Hole

11. Give Santa a Tail-Hole

22 min

Walden juggles his two identities; Alan ends up alone on Christmas.

Welcome to Alancrest

12. Welcome to Alancrest

22 min

Alan invests Walden's money in Kate's fashion line; leading a double life takes its toll on Walden.

Grab a Feather and Get in Line

13. Grab a Feather and Get in Line

21 min

Alan and Walden go to Kate's fashion show in New York so Walden can reveal the truth about his identity.

Run, Steven Staven! Run!

14. Run, Steven Staven! Run!

21 min

Alan is faced with relationship trouble when he does not give Lyndsey a key to the beach house; Walden, Alan, Herb and Billy commiserate about relationships.

Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

15. Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

21 min

When Jake brings his 36-year-old girlfriend home for a visit, Alan is concerned; Walden tries to hide something from Alan.

Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

16. Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

21 min

Depressed on Valentine's Day, Walden tries to talk Kate into giving him another chance; Alan's holiday plans go south.

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

17. Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

21 min

When Walden runs into his ex and they start talking about getting back together, Alan worries that she is not good enough.

The 9:04 from Pemberton

18. The 9:04 from Pemberton

21 min

After a fight with Walden, Alan decides to move in with Herb.

Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon

19. Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon

21 min

Alan and Walden end up partying too hard as they try to cheer up Herb.

Bazinga! That's from a TV Show

20. Bazinga! That's from a TV Show

21 min

Walden and Alan are caught in the crossfire when Jake cheats on his girlfriend (Jaime Pressly) with her 18-year-old daughter.

Another Night with Neil Diamond

21. Another Night with Neil Diamond

21 min

Alan has a difficult time coping when Lyndsey breaks up with him.

My Bodacious Vidalia

22. My Bodacious Vidalia

21 min

With encouragement from Walden, Alan decides to update his look; Alan is faced with a moral dilemma when he attracts a married woman.

Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped

23. Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped

22 min

Walden dates an attractive 22-year-old (Hilary Duff), but ends up being more interested in her grandmother (Marilu Henner); Jake and Alan go on a trip.

Season 1122 episodes
Nangnangnangnang

1. Nangnangnangnang

21 min

Charlie's 25-year-old daughter arrives at the beach house, hoping to get to know her family.

I Think I Banged Lucille Ball

2. I Think I Banged Lucille Ball

21 min

Jenny moves in with Evelyn and her wealthy boyfriend, Marty (Carl Reiner).

This Unblessed Biscuit

3. This Unblessed Biscuit

22 min

Walden and Alan think it may be time for Berta to retire when she injures her back at work. When they suggest her retiring, she grows offended, and as the conversation progresses she quits. Walden and Alan then try different maids, with little success.

Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

4. Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

21 min

Alan and Lyndsey's illicit relationship becomes jeopardized when one of Lyndsey's man-hunting friends, Stephanie (Jennifer Aspen), asks if they are back together. The two staunchly deny it, then Lyndsey insists that Alan make a date with Stephanie so that she will believe their lie. Alan meets her for an uncomfortable date, which nevertheless leads to sex, causing Lyndsey to get mad and leave Alan again.

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

5. Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

21 min

Alan tries to find out what Lyndsey's boyfriend has over him; Walden helps Jenny pursue her acting career.

Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

6. Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

21 min

When Alan learns Walden knows Lynda Carter, he asks him to set him up on a date with her. Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner.

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

7. Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

21 min

Walden and Alan find themselves on dates with two ideal women until Lyndsey's jealousy throws a wrench in their evening.

Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.

8. Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.

21 min

Alan and Lyndsey’s illicit affair puts Walden in danger, forcing him to accept Rose’s help.

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

9. Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

21 min

Walden goes on a date with an accident-prone model; Alan's date reveals surprising personal information about herself to him.

On Vodka, On Soda, On Blender, On Mixer!

10. On Vodka, On Soda, On Blender, On Mixer!

21 min

Jake sends Alan a Japanese delicacy; the house comes alive with questionable Christmas lyrics.

Tazed in the Lady Nuts

11. Tazed in the Lady Nuts

21 min

Walden joins his beautiful former employee on a brilliant new project. Meanwhile, Alan advises Jenny to open up to her girlfriend or risk losing her.

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

12. Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

21 min

Lyndsey's boyfriend sets Alan up on a date; Walden wants to help Nicole with her project so she will have time to date him.

Bite Me, Supreme Court

13. Bite Me, Supreme Court

21 min

Marty Pepper (Carl Reiner) proposes to Evelyn; Alan and Walden plan a bachelor party for Marty.

Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe

14. Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe

21 min

Alan finds out that Lyndsey broke up with Larry without telling him; Walden tries to prove he is a man's man.

Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

15. Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

21 min

Alan asks Lyndsey to choose between him and Larry; Jenny worries that she and Brooke are growing apart.

How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

16. How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

21 min

Walden thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him; Alan starts dating Larry's sister, Gretchen (Kimberly Williams-Paisley).

Welcome Home, Jake

17. Welcome Home, Jake

21 min

Lyndsey finds out about Alan's relationship with Gretchen; Walden has a difficult time telling Barry to find his own place.

West Side Story

18. West Side Story

21 min

Walden gets an invitation to his ex-girlfriend's boutique opening. Meanwhile, Gretchen wants to spend more time at Alan's (a.k.a. Jeff Strongman) house.

Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

19. Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

22 min

After reconnecting with Kate, Walden becomes convinced she is the one for him -- until he meets a woman named Vivian (Mila Kunis).

Lotta Delis in Little Armenia

20. Lotta Delis in Little Armenia

21 min

Alan finds an opportunity to make money; Walden addresses his co-dependency issues.

Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

21. Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

21 min

Alan's girlfriend, Gretchen, insists he confess his true identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Walden goes on a road trip with Jenny and Barry to see his first car.

Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead

22. Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead

21 min

Alan must face the consequences after revealing his identity to Larry.

Season 1216 episodes
The Ol' Mexican Spinach

1. The Ol' Mexican Spinach

21 min

After a health scare on Halloween, Walden decides he needs to change his life.

A Chic Bar in Ibiza

2. A Chic Bar in Ibiza

21 min

Alan has second thoughts about getting married after he's asked to sign a pre-nup.

Glamping in a Yurt

3. Glamping in a Yurt

21 min

Alan and Walden have a meeting with an adoption social worker that hinges on them being convincing as a loving couple. Lyndsey returns after 60 days in rehab.

Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight

4. Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight

21 min

A birth mother considers having Walden and Alan adopt her baby.

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

5. Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

21 min

Walden becomes a foster parent to a 6-year-old boy, but worries about himself when they don't hit it off like he hoped.

Alan Shot a Little Girl

6. Alan Shot a Little Girl

21 min

Alan breaks Walden's rules when he realizes that Louis thinks he's cool, and he wants it to stay that way.

Sex with an Animated Ed Asner

7. Sex with an Animated Ed Asner

21 min

Alan and Walden befriend three moms at a kids’ gym, but things get complicated when Walden becomes attracted to one of them. Alan goes out for a girls’ night with a group of moms.

Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

8. Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

21 min

Alan and Walden attempt to convince Louis that Santa Claus is real.

Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

9. Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

21 min

Walden discovers how challenging it is to be intimate with women when his foster son, Louis, is in the house. Also, Herb asks Alan if he can go on a date with Lyndsey.

Here I Come, Pants!

10. Here I Come, Pants!

21 min

Alan takes it upon himself to help Walden keep Louis after the social worker discovers he and Walden are not really a gay couple.

For Whom the Booty Calls

11. For Whom the Booty Calls

21 min

Walden joins a group for adoptive fathers, and finds it to be a nice escape from Alan.

A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

12. A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

21 min

When Alan breaks up with their social worker to get back together with Lyndsey, Walden worries it will affect Louis’ adoption.

Boompa Loved His Hookers

13. Boompa Loved His Hookers

21 min

Walden fears if he breaks up with Ms. McMartin, it will jeopardize his adoption of Louis. Also, Alan hesitates when Lyndsey asks him to move in with her.

Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

14. Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

21 min

After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but when Alan chooses something selfish and impractical, it puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.

Of Course He's Dead (1)

15. Of Course He's Dead (1)

18 min

Charlie Harper is alive. Or is he?

Of Course He's Dead (2)

16. Of Course He's Dead (2)

21 min

Charlie Harper is alive. Or is he?

Cast

Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher

Walden Schmidt

Jon Cryer

Jon Cryer

Alan Harper

Conchata Ferrell

Conchata Ferrell

Berta

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